You Are Better Than This October 31, 2007

Dear Subway,

You’ve done it. You’ve gone and joined the trend of insulting your consumers. You’re not coming right out and saying “You people are morons,” but the new spot with the grown man throwing the fit because he can’t go to Subway is apalling.

You knocked it out of the park with the commercials mocking fast food menu items. It said to your consumers, “Hey, you know better than this.” Now you have somehow turned us all from savvy, health conscious consumers into this embarassing man-child.

I’d take Jared over this.

Yours Truly,

KR

PS - Don’t feel too bad. You’re not the only one who’s been having this love affair with making consumers look like idiots.

PPS - Remember, you are SUBWAY, not Quizno’s. Stick to the healthy fastfood angle and I will not complain. Though, that is not - NOT - a promise.

From Bad to Worse October 31, 2007

Dear Sony,

The lack of originality in your American Bravia ads have hit a new low. I just became aware that you have the sellout king, Peyton Manning, in your spots. Peyton Manning is hocking so much stuff people aren’t going to remember if they’re supposed to be buying a High-Def TV or a gallon of Gatorade.

This is rock bottom, you have no where to go but up. Please don’t take this as a challenge to prove me wrong.

Love,

K

Every 3,000 Miles October 31, 2007

Dear Jiffy Lube,

I am deeply disturbed by the ad featuring the family-stealing Russian janitor. The whole situation makes me feel like I should be shielding my eyes. The wife makes me uncomfortable too. Did she totally lose her mind during labor and thought this would be a way to get back at her husband for not having the oil changed after she’d been nagging him about it for the past 1,200 miles. Is this revenge?

I just have so many questions! Where did this guy come from? Why does he have to be Russian? Did he cut the umbilical cord? Will he remain a part of Boris’s life? Why is he looking at the husband with that unsettling gaze? Is he about to knife them both and head for the home country with the baby? It’s all too much for me.

I know having your car breakdown because you failed to maintain it does have consequences - mine shot craps on the highway on my birthday last year - but this sort of creepy fear appeal just makes me want to go to Meineke.

Cheers,
K

PS - If people haven’t seen this ad and are baffled by what I’m writing about, they should consider themselves lucky.

Googlization October 31, 2007

Dear YouTube,

Your founders totally cashed in with the Google buyout. Aside from you, others might benefit too. We all know Google dominates search (eat it Yahoo!) and online advertising (Hello DoubleClick) so in the long run Google owning you will probably benefit us all. Better Google than Microsoft. (I’m looking at you Facebook.)

That being said, being owned by Google does not mean Google needs to slowly (but surely) mold you to be Google Video (hell, you beat their ass in video for a reason.) Why am I bringing this up to you?, you might ask. Because I saw this….

Everyone loves the cutesy Google logo alterations to fit special holidays/anniveraries/made-up events, but YouTube, you’re not cutesy. You are edgy, you are too hip for this. We love Google for its universal appeal, people love you because you are, quite possibly, the definition of their coming-of-age, which wasn’t meant to be cutesy - unless it involves sleeping kittens. Ditch the logo alterations, just be You(Tube.)

Love,

KR

Put Your Ad Where Your $$$ Is October 30, 2007

Dear Future Super Bowl Advetisers,

I just read that FOX has sold you people 90% of their ad space to you. Year after year the Super Bowl has been letting me down. Yet, the enthusiasm remains and the checks keep getting signed. If, after all the money spent and time spent strategizing, this year is a bust - I’m going to suggest lighting your money on fire instead.

Regards,

KR

PS - Or donate it to the KR Fund for Super Bowl Ad Trauma Recovery. Either way.

Farewell to a Legend October 30, 2007

Dear Emerald Nuts,

You have had some wacky ads, but none moreso (in my humble opion) than those based on the premise that when you get lazy drowsy during the workday that Robert Goulet will fuck with your shit mess with your stuff. I was delighted by them and saddened that Goulet will no longer save my afternoons.

Sincerely,

K

Ways To Ruin A Good Comedy October 30, 2007

Dear Volkswagen,

I think those scary car crash ads may have some lingering effects that you might want to consider when using product placement in the future….

Keeping it Lite. October 29, 2007

Dear Miller Lite,

The new More Taste League commercials just seem so forced. First, the More Taste League has about as much ring as “Fourth Meal.” (Read: The clapper is missing from the bell.) Second, everybody really likes John C. McGinley, but you’ve managed to take the smugness we’ve come to love from his Scrubs character Dr. Perry Cox and surgically remove all the funny. Finally, it doesn’t even fit with the claims made in the ad. The “commish” emphasizes the great taste and carb standards, but I didn’t catch it being called the “More Taste, Less Filling League” - which is actually somewhat humorous given the absurdity of a name like that.

If you’re going to position yourself as better than all other LiGHt(e) beers (which you remain dead set on), you might as well go back to the Bud Light sucks angle. Or find something original — Man Law was a step in the right direction. Be you, Miller Lite, be you.

Sincerely,

Identity Crisis in Milwaukee

PS- The website is slightly better. At least the locker room reinforces both ad claims and promotes interactivity.

It Is A Shame They Found Him October 28, 2007

Dear Northwestern University Students,

Let me start by saying, Bravo on stealing the gnome. But, why, oh why, did you just dump him in the trash? What was wrong with a one-way ticket to Antartica? However, 10 days without the gnome was a great start and I hope this encourages a nation of would-be “gnomenappers” to take action and rid the world of the gnome forever.

Sincerely,

K

BRAVIA UPDATE October 26, 2007

Dear Sony,

Saw the new American ads. Guess you didn’t read my last letter….HDNA…snooze. Where are all the pretty coloUrs?

We’re so over,

K

PS - A YouTube video caption (reliable, I know) refers to one of your beautiful ads as UK & US…could it be true? You just hate Middle America????