Tool with a Dirt Squirrel February 13, 2008

Dear E-Trade,

I know that you are known for your extremely peculiar commercials and I think I know your target market these days: grown up gamers. This could be a great ploy for you, because these fellows may just treat trading like a game and blow all their money on your trading prices before they spend it all and go back to playing Halo 3 in their Mom’s basement.

However, have you considered that you may be alienating your other, wealthier target markets? When it comes to the more professional set, I think they’d rather NOT go with the company that uses the words “tool” (TWICE) and “dirt squirrel” in its advertising. And, as we know, the professional type are likley to be much savvier investors and will keep giving you money for much longer, no matter how “great” of an investor all those fancy charts on your website could make those tools in the ad.

Love,

k

Dear Readers February 6, 2008

Dear Readers,

I know I promised In-Depth Super Bowl analysis, but that live-blogging sure did burn me out. Fear not, I’ll get to it in time. Anyways, taking some time will allow for a good hard look back and for all of us to ignore the highly unwarranted hype.

Truly Yours,

K

A Little Research Goes a Long Way February 6, 2008

Dear Brother,

I’ll start this off by saying I really don’t think I am in your target market, nor the target market for the product I’m about to compare your ads to. However, I do watch the channels where you are running ads and every time I think, Did they consider this? This being that the fact that the focus of your new ad campaign (Plan B) uses the market name of the over-the-counter emergency contraceptive. If one is to google Plan B the top result is…

Dear Super Bowl Advertisers, February 3, 2008

FIRST HALF
5:35 PM CST: Bud Light. No Surprises. Bud Light makes you breathe fire? Group consensus is that it doesn’t live up to magic fridge. But will anything?
5:36 PM: Mansion. Sleeping Man. Slightly resembles Steve Martin. Not Steve Martin. D just said it’s a Godfather reference. Front of car in bed. Audi is threatening old luxury. I liked it. It kept me wondering most of the time, therefore intriguing me. And it’s good funny but it relates.
5:37 PM: Okay. Writing each time for each ad is already annoying. We’re going to go with time at the beginning of the commercial break.
5:45 PM Break
1st: We’ve got the Roxbury song. Everyone is falling asleep and messing things up. There’s Diet Pepsi Max - Everyone’s up! And head shaking. Diet Pepsi is still gross.
2nd: Cartoon. Indian accent. Exaggerated Indian Accent. Who will be offended? Sales Genie. Hmmm…
3rd: Terminator show promo. Boo.
5:48 PM Break
1st: Giant cheese wheel. What’s it hiding? Bud light. Yep. Okay I liked that one. A lot better than the first. Another cheese run. That’s good
2nd: Exercise in abandoned places. Under armour makes shoes now. Huh. This is pretty artistic. Trying to be Nike? Yep. Claiming the future. I think they’re actually saying we’re taking taking the crown from Nike. Not only will we try to steal your business, we’re going to try and steal your advertising style too. Good luck.
5:58 PM Break
1st: Peaceful squirrel. Screaming animals. That is the lady from the badmouthing Orbit commercial. Tires. Hmmm
2nd: Flashing Doritos messages. What Dorito did they pick?
3rd: Singing country girl I have never heard of. Snooze. Lamp fringe. Oh it turns out it was still part of the Doritos ad. Wow, that’s not really at all in any way targeted at the Doritos audience of past. I don’t think sweet girl singing with guitar will really resonate with the Doritos-eating crowd.
4th: TV promo
5th: Idol promotion.
6:02 Break
1st: Angelina Jolie commercial. I hate her. Don’t care.
2nd: Derek Jeter. Grass growing everywhere. Balls out of pipes. (Geez that sounds kinda dirty.) G2. Low calorie. I’ve been wondering for ages. Some special effects joke.
3rd: Here comes the Go Daddy commercial. Is that Danica Patrick? It is! We’ve decided that the hot babes are their way of saying thank you to all the computer geeks who keep Go Daddy in business and don’t have much contact with the ladies.
4th:Dell commercials - this guy is a celeb now and fighting AIDS makes people fall in love with you. I’m all for philanthropy but that’s a bit much.
6:05 PM Break.
1st: Carrier pigeons. Giant pigeons. Chaos. FedEx. Like it. Fed Ex always delivers (pun intended.)
2nd: Car dealership. Glondor. But why?
3rd: Interview. His stain is screaming at the interviewer. That was great. Go Tide Pen!
4th: Tom Petty halftime promo
6:13 Break
1st: Budweiser animal triumph story. A beloved Bud clydesdale trained by the beloved Bud dalamation. I can’t help it, I love it
2nd: Comic book movie with Rober Downey Jr. and Terrence Howard.
3rd: Another halftime promo.
6:18 PM Break
1st: Corolla. Sleeping badgers. As a former Corolla owner I want to like it. But I can’t. I don’t.
2nd: Cow. Football players. Punching. Movie ad. George Clooney! Renee Zellweger. Hmm…
3rd: Car commercial. Old car. Navigation for Napoleon. Garmin. Eh….I don’t get it. I’m assuming there was something for me to get, but I’m lost. Did Napoleon even ride a really tiny horse? And what does that have to do with him using a Garmin to get to his troops?
6:23 Break
1st:Woman at office. Her heart just leapt out of her chest. At first I really thought her boob was exploding. Career buidler.
2nd: Lady walking on white. Drinking. Sobe. Dancing lizards. To Thriller. What does a lady on a totally white set have to do with thriller? Grill-wearing lizards. MJ did not wear a grill. That was awful.
3rd: Skeezey dude outside of store. Oh I’ve heard about this. Perscription meds are putting your local drug dealer out of business.
6:28 PM
1st: Black line drawing animation. Pushing the boulder up the hill. We’ve decided it’s a financial ad. WE WERE WRONG!!!! GMC hybrid. Tomorrow everyone will say, “Remember that financial ad with the guy and the boulder?”
2nd: Carlos Mencia and the foreign guys are back. Funny new spot following a previous theme.
3rd: Another Idol promo.
6:37 Break
1st: Disney movie. Looks dark. The second Narnia movie.
2nd: Lady with unibrow. She smells of nuts so everyone loves her.
3rd: Basketball players and the 5. Charles Barkley is apparently lonely. It was pretty funny though.
4th: United Way NFL.
6:40 Break
1st: Timberlaaaaake! Being pulled by a force. I already know it’s Pepsi. Samberg! Junk on the mailbox. Ouch. Drinking Pepsi pulls what you want to you. Like the ad, still hate Pepsi.
2nd: Another Doritos ad. Patiently awaiting a mouse. A giant mouse! Much much more on target. UPDATE: Aforementioned giant mouse haunted my dreams last night. No joke.
6:54 Break
1st: Future race cars. For Nascar.
2nd: Cheap looking ad. Local.
3rd: Local again.
3rd: Ford ride swap. According to C it’s not even new.
4th: Obama!!!!!!! Donations totaling $32 mil in January helps buy Super Bowl ads.
Half Time Break…2nd Half After the Jump

Giving it the Old College Try February 2, 2008

Dear Red Bull,

 I’ve never been a fan of your cartoony, slightly perverse advertisements but this one makes me think whoever is behind them never took a science class.

Let’s take a look after the jump…