Dear Super Bowl Advertisers, February 3, 2008

FIRST HALF
5:35 PM CST: Bud Light. No Surprises. Bud Light makes you breathe fire? Group consensus is that it doesn’t live up to magic fridge. But will anything?
5:36 PM: Mansion. Sleeping Man. Slightly resembles Steve Martin. Not Steve Martin. D just said it’s a Godfather reference. Front of car in bed. Audi is threatening old luxury. I liked it. It kept me wondering most of the time, therefore intriguing me. And it’s good funny but it relates.
5:37 PM: Okay. Writing each time for each ad is already annoying. We’re going to go with time at the beginning of the commercial break.
5:45 PM Break
1st: We’ve got the Roxbury song. Everyone is falling asleep and messing things up. There’s Diet Pepsi Max - Everyone’s up! And head shaking. Diet Pepsi is still gross.
2nd: Cartoon. Indian accent. Exaggerated Indian Accent. Who will be offended? Sales Genie. Hmmm…
3rd: Terminator show promo. Boo.
5:48 PM Break
1st: Giant cheese wheel. What’s it hiding? Bud light. Yep. Okay I liked that one. A lot better than the first. Another cheese run. That’s good
2nd: Exercise in abandoned places. Under armour makes shoes now. Huh. This is pretty artistic. Trying to be Nike? Yep. Claiming the future. I think they’re actually saying we’re taking taking the crown from Nike. Not only will we try to steal your business, we’re going to try and steal your advertising style too. Good luck.
5:58 PM Break
1st: Peaceful squirrel. Screaming animals. That is the lady from the badmouthing Orbit commercial. Tires. Hmmm
2nd: Flashing Doritos messages. What Dorito did they pick?
3rd: Singing country girl I have never heard of. Snooze. Lamp fringe. Oh it turns out it was still part of the Doritos ad. Wow, that’s not really at all in any way targeted at the Doritos audience of past. I don’t think sweet girl singing with guitar will really resonate with the Doritos-eating crowd.
4th: TV promo
5th: Idol promotion.
6:02 Break
1st: Angelina Jolie commercial. I hate her. Don’t care.
2nd: Derek Jeter. Grass growing everywhere. Balls out of pipes. (Geez that sounds kinda dirty.) G2. Low calorie. I’ve been wondering for ages. Some special effects joke.
3rd: Here comes the Go Daddy commercial. Is that Danica Patrick? It is! We’ve decided that the hot babes are their way of saying thank you to all the computer geeks who keep Go Daddy in business and don’t have much contact with the ladies.
4th:Dell commercials - this guy is a celeb now and fighting AIDS makes people fall in love with you. I’m all for philanthropy but that’s a bit much.
6:05 PM Break.
1st: Carrier pigeons. Giant pigeons. Chaos. FedEx. Like it. Fed Ex always delivers (pun intended.)
2nd: Car dealership. Glondor. But why?
3rd: Interview. His stain is screaming at the interviewer. That was great. Go Tide Pen!
4th: Tom Petty halftime promo
6:13 Break
1st: Budweiser animal triumph story. A beloved Bud clydesdale trained by the beloved Bud dalamation. I can’t help it, I love it
2nd: Comic book movie with Rober Downey Jr. and Terrence Howard.
3rd: Another halftime promo.
6:18 PM Break
1st: Corolla. Sleeping badgers. As a former Corolla owner I want to like it. But I can’t. I don’t.
2nd: Cow. Football players. Punching. Movie ad. George Clooney! Renee Zellweger. Hmm…
3rd: Car commercial. Old car. Navigation for Napoleon. Garmin. Eh….I don’t get it. I’m assuming there was something for me to get, but I’m lost. Did Napoleon even ride a really tiny horse? And what does that have to do with him using a Garmin to get to his troops?
6:23 Break
1st:Woman at office. Her heart just leapt out of her chest. At first I really thought her boob was exploding. Career buidler.
2nd: Lady walking on white. Drinking. Sobe. Dancing lizards. To Thriller. What does a lady on a totally white set have to do with thriller? Grill-wearing lizards. MJ did not wear a grill. That was awful.
3rd: Skeezey dude outside of store. Oh I’ve heard about this. Perscription meds are putting your local drug dealer out of business.
6:28 PM
1st: Black line drawing animation. Pushing the boulder up the hill. We’ve decided it’s a financial ad. WE WERE WRONG!!!! GMC hybrid. Tomorrow everyone will say, “Remember that financial ad with the guy and the boulder?”
2nd: Carlos Mencia and the foreign guys are back. Funny new spot following a previous theme.
3rd: Another Idol promo.
6:37 Break
1st: Disney movie. Looks dark. The second Narnia movie.
2nd: Lady with unibrow. She smells of nuts so everyone loves her.
3rd: Basketball players and the 5. Charles Barkley is apparently lonely. It was pretty funny though.
4th: United Way NFL.
6:40 Break
1st: Timberlaaaaake! Being pulled by a force. I already know it’s Pepsi. Samberg! Junk on the mailbox. Ouch. Drinking Pepsi pulls what you want to you. Like the ad, still hate Pepsi.
2nd: Another Doritos ad. Patiently awaiting a mouse. A giant mouse! Much much more on target. UPDATE: Aforementioned giant mouse haunted my dreams last night. No joke.
6:54 Break
1st: Future race cars. For Nascar.
2nd: Cheap looking ad. Local.
3rd: Local again.
3rd: Ford ride swap. According to C it’s not even new.
4th: Obama!!!!!!! Donations totaling $32 mil in January helps buy Super Bowl ads.
Half Time Break…2nd Half After the Jump

SECOND HALF
7:22 Break
1st: Boring Zantac commercial. I think I’ve seen this. I know I’ve seen this. I guess it’s actually sort of creative. But not new.
7:24 Break
1st: Will Ferrell movie
2nd: Racing Claritin advertisement…Guess we haven’t gotten past crappy halftime ads.
7:31 Break
1st: Another Cars.com ad. Why do they Plan B’s involve attempted murder.
2nd: Cartoon pandas. Exaggerated accents. And it’s Sales Genie.
3rd: Horse race. Shaq as a jockey. He’s doing a lot of endorsements these days. Nose-picking kid - why? Vitamin Water. Didn’t see that coming. I can’t imagine the conversation: Hmmm…Something’s missing…Oh I know what will really complete the ad: a nose-picking kid! Genius.
4th: Daytona 500 promo again.
7:34 Break
1st: Cave men for Bud Light. Cave men are morons. How’s Geico gonna feel about this?
2nd: Carmen Electra ad. Ice breakers is the way to her heart. Did anyone notice one guy really looked like her ex-husband?
3rd: Car avoiding animals. And now Richard Simmons! Ha ha. I like that one a lot more than the first Bridgestone one. They should have used a different infamous celebrity in the first one.
4th: Man at desk being sung to by a cartoon bug. Bug gets attacked by spider. Career builder.
5th: Terminator show promo
7:43 Break
1st: Luxury car. A Hyundai. Luxury, huh.
2nd: Disney. Toy Story. Vacuum and Robot. Some sort of Disney movie. Not really sure. Maybe it’s about that robot.
7:51 Break
1st: The Jumper movie. I think it looks stupid. The better half wants to see it. Good luck.
2nd: Talking baby on a web cam. I was totally fine with that until the spit up. E-Trade.
3rd: Now Bud Light makes you fly. What bad thing will happen? Hit by an airplane. Totally saw that coming. Mah.
8:01 Break
1st: NFL stories. Some guy gets an oboe player to play football. Oh I really enjoyed that. Evidently this was the “Super Ad” and although “super ad” makes me think of pyrotechnics and people being shot out of canons. I really did love that ad.
2nd: Local.
3rd: US Cellular. Obnoxious people. Bad
4th: Fried chicken. KFC. That was so boring.
5th: Local.
8:04 Break
1st: Superstar hair ladies. Had already seen it online.
2nd: Shots of New York city and Thanksgiving parade balloons. Chasing the Coke balloon. Stewie and Underdog give chase. Charlie Brown appears and gets his Coca-Cola classic. I liked that.
8:11 Break
1st: Another Coke commercial! Hooray! The jinx rule among politicos. A hardcore Republican and Democrat hanging out all over DC - that was great! Also, their placements were perfectly timed. Someone at the house had even mentioned earlier that there had been no Coke commercials and after creating anticipation we get two great spots back to back. Well played, Coke.
2nd: Big wheel racing. For Sequioa. Continuation of the Life Won’t Wait campaign.
8:14 Break
1st: Movie commercial. Adam Sandler is making a new movie.
2nd: ANOTHER Terminator show promo - JESUS CHRIST. How badly do they need to promote this show? There are like 3 new shows on TV right now, this shouldn’t be such a hard sell.
8:20 Break
1st: Another baby E-Trade commercial. This one was so funny and it didn’t have to go gross. See, E-Trade, you can make a great ad without baby vomit.
2nd: Oh, our first Taco Bell commercial. Boring.
3rd: Loud dog drinking water. D: What is this for? We realize, Gatorade. Laughter all around.
4th: House promo.
8:26 Break
1st: Will Ferrell dressed up as some *b-team* basketball player. Classic.
2nd: Car. Hyundai. We’re luxurious. There’s a large hood ornament, which obviously means it’s luxurious. After all these Hyundai ads plus the Audi ones, I think Audi has a better shot (a much better shot) in making people associate its brand with luxury.
3rd: Promo for that stupid lie detector show. Except the commercial is actually pretty funny. Unlike the show.
8:44
1st: Victoria’s Secret. Hot lady with a football. Pretty clever.
2nd: Fat guy. Powering a stereo with jumper cables. Amped Energy Drink. Of Course. Trying much too hard
3rd: NFL commercial. Rothelsiberger (sp?) ruining a song for a guy. I liked that. Hooray to the NFL tonight.

9:04 PM CST: Well, Dear Readers, things have come to an end. The underdogs have pulled through and, I must admit, seeing this stain on the cheating Patriots perfect season was really gratifying. (Especially since they’ve now been accused of cheating against a team very near and dear to me). As for the commercials…I’m still making up my mind about everything, so check back all this week for individual comments on my least favorite and most hated ads.

ALL MY LOVE,

kr