We Are Trying To Sell Things Here, People October 26, 2007

Dear T-Mobile,

Your commercials are really funny. I mean funny funny. And the actors are – dare I say – good? That Dad who gives his daughter’s date the menacing look. The secret lovers guys. The take you to a waterpark and get a tattoo uncle guy. Problem is, they’re not persuasive. These are commercials – not television shows – and I’m not the least bit interested in buying jack smack from you people. (Although AT&T is hanging on by a thread with me. Speaking of, I’m waiting for an AT&T texting commercial with a WTF? subtitle for an angst-ridden teen.)
I digress….
So my advice – everyone involved in production plus the writers need to jump ship for the 30-minute slots and those in charge of strategy need to head back to the drawing board.

Have a Lovely Weekend,
K

PS – And when I say go do a sitcom, I am not saying “Turn your commercials into a sitcom.” I am in no way, shape or form endorsing that Cavemen shitcom sitcom.

Embracing Family Ties October 23, 2007

Dear City of Des Moines,

Sorry I haven’t been in touch, family get-togethers are fewer and farther between these days, but, hey, you made Stuart Elliot’s Campaign Spotlight! Congratulations! And, you know, the ads are actually quite charming. And the website is nice too! And the clever use of DM! I am really very proud. Although I wished there was an R family wedding reception in one of the spots, because if there’s anything that’s going to get me back into Iowa it’s the promise of drunken uncles, drunker cousins, and byob bars after the party winds down.

Missing You,

K

Am I The Only One????? October 22, 2007

Dear Travelocity,

I hate that roaming gnome. He’s so irritating, but even more irritating is the illogical nature of your commercials. Now everyone stay with me here, because I have this complaint often but people always look at me with the “I don’t get what you are saying look”…

In the commercials where the gnome is the denouncer of travel myths there are always 2 myths. One about online travel sites and the other about something generally related to travel. Now here’s my problem…

Myth 1 – is proved to be just a myth. (I.E., travelocity is not the same as all other sites)
Myth 2- is proved to be extremely true. (I.E. The gnome does, in fact, disappear in the Bermuda Triangle)

Ergo, doesn’t this prove Myth 1 might also be extremely true????? Might Travelocity be like all other travel sites???? I mean, the gnome completely contradicts himself.
You watch and see….

Sincerely Yours,

K

Applying Advertising Theory to Botulism October 19, 2007

Dear Botox,

I just saw a new commercial set to the tune “Express Yourself” in which the narrator stood for every woman’s right to freedom of expression. Now, from what I’ve heard Botox users (however wrinkle free they may be) have a somewhat frozen expression as a result of the poision injected into their faces. A lot of people agree on this. The commercial creates the kind of cognitive dissonance that will not move syringes off the shelves.

Toodles,

K

YUCK. October 17, 2007

Dear Yoplait,

Everyone knows that there is living bacteria in yogurt. In fact, it really grosses lots of people out. It may be good for us, but we really don’t like to think about creamy gummy-bear-like germs dancing around in our food – no matter how good for us they are. Remember those foot fungus commercials, no one liked when that thing came to life and jumped around. Take a lesson from Dannon’s Activia ads and keep the bacteria as a cluster of little circles doing favors to our intestines.

Thanks,

KR

Insulting…Really

Dear Sony,

In America, you advertised the Bravia television as being for both the genders – how inventive! It’s got sound for men, something else that women like in TV…Point being, they are boring and seriously lack creativity.

In the UK, you advertise the Bravia as follows:

These UK ads beg the question: Do you hate Americans? The British spots are mesmerizing – they’re art. They’re a gift! Not only to nerdy ad junkies, but to all of us who stare at the television, rotting out our brains.

They look like it took a lot of thought and work. (In fact, I know they did, because you’ve even devoted special websites and videos to discuss the making.) Why, oh why, do you not deem Americans worthy of the good commercials? You even filmed one in San Francisco!! I guess “Color” just doesn’t have the impact of “Colour.”

Truly Yours,

K

The Gender Gap

Dear Jack Link’s,

This one comes at the request of my better half….Every time I watch your “Messin’ with Sasquatch” commercials I (and to the best of my knowledge every other woman on the planet), roll my eyes and think, Wow this is stupid. However, every man who watches them can’t stop laughing. And talking about them. And laughing. So, kudos to you for nailing your target market.

Love,

K

This is OUR Country, Dammit!

Dear Chevy,

I hate to sound cynical, but the first thing that popped into my head was, “Is that the fence they’re building to keep the Mexicans out?” Just a thought.

God Bless America,

K

Found You!

Dear AT&T,

So…your mobile broadband card works in a pond. I think people are much more concerned about whether or not it works on a bench in an urban park or a coffee shop (which I’ve heard isn’t very well). When I’m torso deep in a pond, broadband internet is not on my mind.

Love,

KR

PS – Cingular was a much better name and I miss it terribly.
PPS – You inspired this blog…so, thanks.
PPPS – I’ll only forgive you if there are more commercials with the “IDK my BFF Rose” grandma – everyone loves her.

Dear Reader,

As I was watching television the other day, I just wanted to call up AT&T and say, “a pond?! really?”…but then I thought letter writing was a more approrpriate way to get in touch….but then I thought I didn’t really want to write a letter, I’d much rather write a blog. So here we are. I hope you enjoy.

Cheers,

K